Sick and Tired: A Vent Post

471184b7-0ff4-43a3-be1d-d1c16d190ff0The struggle with my weight has now reached epic proportions in my life!  I’ve lost close to two pounds nearly every day this week.  I’m all for weight loss and getting to a healthier weight, but weight loss this fast is dangerous and almost never stays off.  I have been on a permanent diet since 2012, so I do know a thing or two about fitness and nutrition.  It’s not recommended to lose more than 2 pounds per week, but I’m losing 8-10 every week.

I noticed a marked change in my eating habits around November of last year.  I was under a lot of stress to start with and many life changes were happening all at once, so naturally I assumed it was just stress related and would ease up soon enough.  I’ve always struggled with lack of appetite, and it’s always worse when I’m stressed out, but this time is different.  It’s not just stress.  There is a medical aspect to my current battle.  Part of having CREST syndrome, or Limited Scleroderma as it is more commonly known, is esophageal dysmotility and it is wreaking havoc in my autoimmune life right now.  Basically, I’m choking and gagging on everything that I try to eat.  I’m able to eat soft foods like yogurt for the most part, but that’s simply not enough nutrition.  I’ve added in protein shakes for the nutritional value they can provide, but the weight is still just melting off of me.

My poor husband is so worried about me that he can hardly look at me without tearing up.  He’s taken to calling me “skinny”, which I’m not horribly thrilled with.  His more vulgar nicknames for me are much better than that in my opinion.  I’ve always struggled with body issues.  I was always obese or overweight and thought that my body issues were exclusive to that.  Well, it turns out that I have body issues no matter what shape and size it is currently in!  Go figure!

I do have an appointment with an ENT tomorrow afternoon and we are hoping that they can shed some light on why I keep choking and gagging on my food.  I did the Barium Swallow Exam a couple of months ago and it did show that some of my food and drink are coming back up into my throat, so there is clearly something going on.  My fingers are crossed that this doctor can give me some answers and hopefully solutions.

These issues have led to some awesome conversations with fellow autoimmune sufferers like myself.  It seems to be a common theme that many of us have some kind of food issues, whether it be food sensitivities or allergies, gluten intolerance, lack of appetite, etc.  And each and every one of these amazing women that I have talked to have the same feelings of shame and embarrassment about their bodies.  I’m glad that I’m not alone in this particular struggle, but I’m so sad that there are so many of us that share this same struggle.

This whole ordeal has gotten so bad that it’s throwing me into another depression.  I just came out of one and thought that I would be good until Winter comes back around, but clearly I was mistaken.  I’m tired of the constant fight over food and eating issues within my household.  I’m sick and tired of everyone watching and asking about every single thing that I put into my mouth (which isn’t much on any given day).  I’m tired of seeing my husband so worried about me.  I’m beyond sick of standing on that scale every day and obsessing over the daily reduction in my weight.  I’m just sick and tired of being sick and tired.

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