I’m not having the best day today, so a vent post it is. I apologize in advance but everyone needs to whine once in a while and damn it – it’s my turn! So, I didn’t sleep well last night because of the high level of pain that I was dealing with. Despite all of my medications and relaxing techniques, I was up until well after midnight. Just a few hours later I had to get up to take my husband to work. By the time I drove to town and back the level of fatigue that I was experiencing was nearly unbearable. So, a rest day it is today, right? Nope. Cue my anxiety, guilt and shame to ruin my freaking day!
I’m going over my calendar and schedule for the next week or so and I am just so overwhelmed by all of the appointments that I have coming up. I see 6 different specialists before the end of the month. My schedule is so packed that on some of those days I have more than one appointment. I have tests and procedures piling up that still need to be done. Some of them aren’t even scheduled yet. My anxiety is so high that I’m barely even functioning right now. I’ve got nobody to talk to because I feel like nobody really wants to hear my woes all day anyway.
The spoonie life is lonely at times and I think that has been my biggest struggle lately. I have been in isolation from Coronavirus since July 2020 and am just dying to get back to a normal life. I hardly ever see my husband with his crazy work schedule and that just adds to the loneliness and depression that I am secretly battling. I try not to bombard him with all of my medical and emotional garbage, but it’s written all over my face. With the recent weight loss that I have been experiencing my husband’s worries have multiplied. I hate that I’m the cause of his worry and I wish like Hell there was something I could do to calm his nerves.
Depression is no joke and what I’m going through is becoming dangerous to my mental health and wellbeing. I am currently without a therapist and I know that is a terrible idea with Bipolar disorder and PTSD. I was nowhere near ready for therapy to end when my former therapist got a better opportunity and moved on to it. I wish her all the best – she was freaking amazing! I want to find someone new, but it’s hard to start all over again. Plus, the stigma of needing a therapist to start with gets to be too much sometimes.
My stress level with life altogether lately is becoming too much to deal with. It’s negatively affecting both my mental and physical health. I can’t eat. I can’t sleep. I can’t think. I’m forgetting everything – even the important things I’m having trouble remembering. I can’t pay attention for very long at all either. Brain fog is getting to be a major problem in my life as well. I used to have an eidetic memory, now I can’t remember where I was driving to. I thought that I would have more time before these types of symptoms would start, but clearly I was wrong.
I am also battling a rage… an anger buried so deep within I’m not sure how or why it’s coming out now. I have long said that becoming autoimmune or chronically ill forces you through the stages of grief and I am currently stuck on anger. I am mad. I am enraged. I am livid. It makes me absolutely batshit crazy every time I think about getting sick so young, and the life that was robbed from me. I had hopes and dreams, plans and goals. I was just getting my life together and out of nowhere came the autoimmune life. Life as I knew it is over and I just keep saying, “I want my old life back.”
My problems are many, but my blessings are , too. I get so caught up in the negative that I forget to take a look around me and see what is there to be appreciated. I have a loving husband that would go to the ends of the earth for me. I have 3 amazing kids that my world revolves around. It might not be great, but I do have a roof over my head, a warm bed to sleep in, food to eat (if I could muster an appetite!) and the love of my family. Now, if I could just snap out of this depression already – that would be great!
Thanks for coming to my vent session. Stay strong autoimmune warriors and friends and family. Love and light now and always!