Holiday Hell

imagesAs the holidays approach, I’m dealing with a lot of emotions that I just don’t want to acknowledge right now.  The holidays have never been my favorite time of year to begin with, and now that I’m living this autoimmune life I have to look at everything differently.  Every part of my life is now dominated by my diseases… food I can’t eat, medications that I have to take, wine that I can’t drink, the list could go on and on.

This is the first holiday season since my autoimmune diagnoses, and I find myself thinking, pondering, analyzing and comparing to years passed.  The things that I could do and have and eat before are no more.  The days of expendable energy seem to be lost and gone forever.  Although my new lifestyle and adjustments are very well known to me, the rest of my family seem to not fully understand the limitations my still young body is imposing on me.  Most days and most events I can muddle through and fake being well enough to get through the every day obligations, but the weight of the holiday expectations seem a bit too much to grapple with this year.

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My mother and sister are excitedly running around town gathering ingredients and other necessities to procure a wonderful family hoiday meal.  The children are anxiously awaiting all of the desserts and goodies that come with Thanksgiving.  Life seems to go on as usual for everyone except me.  Instead of getting caught in the nostalgia with my family members, many of whom I haven’t celebrated the holidays with in ten years or more, I have mentally checked out.  If I could disappear until after it’s over and done with, sadly I would do just that.

Mentally I’m beating myself up for feeling the way that I do about the holidays.  I know that I have many things to be grateful for, and I should certainly enjoy spending this time with family members that have missed out on the last decade of holidays with my children, but I just can’t seem to bring myself out of this funk.  I am still processing everything that is going on with my health right now, and a lot of the adjustments that I have had to make are pertaining to food.  Getting together for a holiday revolved around food is not very exciting to me since literally everything that I eat hurts my stomach.

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I try to see the positives like many other autoimmune warriors have advised me.  I look at my children and am filled with all of the love in the world for them.  Just because I’m sick that doesn’t mean that I should not at least try to make enjoyable memories for them.  They don’t need to be constantly reminded of the reality they see me live every single day.  Just like I wish I had a break from my autoimmune life, they deserve the break from it and tomorrow I will give it to them.  I will have a very fake smile on my face for certain, but only I will know.  And years from now they will have the happy holiday memories that will mean so much more when I’m no longer here with them.

 

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